FtM(iles)

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I had always wondered what it would feel like. From today i will know…

Today was and will always be etched in my memories, not only because its my sister’s 40th birthday but because it is the day of my rebirth.

After several years, i ended up in an unplanned visit to the church  and i believe somehow this was not a coincidence. The moment i saw a small church  basket where people drop off their  prayers  or letters to God, i quickly went over there and wrote something too. So this is how what started off as a tour of the church ended in a spiritual and emotional conversation with the self and a letter  to God.

I am  a spiritual person, that also explains why i  consider my  transition to be  a  deeply  spiritual process too. Off course no one is going to transport that paper to God, but just the process of writing on that paper was indeed all i needed.  Today was just about a  befitting day to have that conversation with God and being in the church made it even more  special.

As i seat here, my heart is in the right place. My body , mind and spirit are insync. Slowly  but surely i am starting to feel like a 35 year old  weight is being  lifted  off my shoulders, and i can already feel  the tension  starting to dissipate too.

This is indeed the day that the Lord has made, and so the journey  to the self continues. from FtM(iles) damn i m loving the person i am becoming..

5 lessons from pain

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There is something about the past that is so addictive, it could be familiarity that breeds comfort or replaying scenes over and over again to find answers , yet most of the exhaustive process leads to the mind being entangled in a web of confusion and echoes of should have, could have.

We all have our own habits, whether good or bad . Mine is stocking up every little piece of paper or notebook that i have scribbled something in. On the rare occasions when i do decide to clear my bookcases to make space, i find myself , looking for an excuse for keeping every piece of paper and notebook, then end up restocking them again, even adding more to the piles with the hope that these will come handy at some point.

Emotional baggage..

I am trying so hard not to fall into that temptation of dwelling on the past, but then i get the inner voice arguing that , if you don’t go back to look for answers how can you move forward.. Deep down i know it’s my mind just giving me excuses to pile negative emotions again.

To find peace with myself for my own wellbeing i’ am slowly coming to terms with the fact that although messy, scary, painful, and unsettling, with change comes growth. I am getting rid of the papers no matter how precious they might have seemed at some point, i am letting go, the same applies to memories, places and people that no longer contribute to my growth and well- being.

 Despite all the pain, fears, regrets and mistakes,   i now choose to focus  instead on what these experiences have taught me. Below are  some  of the important lessons which are helping me to pick myself, hope they save you too.

  1. Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get.Ray Bradbury

 Inner peace is achieved  when you remove yourself from things that  longer contribute to your growth and happiness. Stop chasing pavements and begging for attention from everyone everywhere. Don’t be afraid to close doors that do not lead to your goals.

2   It ain’t about how hard you are hit. It is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That is how winning is done!Rocky Bulboa

So what, it didn’t work out, you put in work, did your best, dont give up.  If  you want it so bad you have to keep your head up, no matter how much you feel defeated,  if you can look up, you can get up.

3. Choose all weather company,  people who not only celebrate you but inspire and motivate  you.

Be they virtual or physical, be sure to be with people who do not  dampen your spirits. Misery loves company, be with positive people who uplift you, shut does for people who belittle you, or make you feel  hopeless and worthless, you don’t need that type of energy.

4. The two most important days in our lives , the day you are born and the day you find out why. Mark Twain.

  Find your purpose , follow your passion  you have nothing to regret but regret.

5. The biggest mistake is not making a mistake, because you will never learn. Miles Tanhira

Life is a big game, no one has the secret, live, make mistakes, learn and keep playing don’t be so hard on yourself. Negative self-talk and worry will not contribute to your wellbeing and success.

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Against all odds

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A few weeks ago i experienced something beautiful, after having gone through what seemed like a tough year, that was my turning point. I had just woken up but didn’t want to open my eyes or get out of bed. As i continued contemplating on whether to get out of bed or sleep a little bit more, i got lost in a peculiar sound vibrating through my pillow.

It was calming, rhythmic and very pronounced. That’s when i realised i had never actually taken time to listen to the sound of my heartbeat. It felt so good just lying there listening to that sound, suddenly everything didn’t matter anymore, everything else became still.

I am alive..

This experience made me realise that my heartbeat is everything to be grateful for.  Sometimes we get so caught up in noise of the world where we are constantly complaining about everything, forgetting to appreciate the seemingly little things. In that moment, the powerful and beautiful sound of my heartbeat made me aware of my inner strength, the resilience to fight for survival even when it appears the  dack is stacked against me, that is indeed a  sign of victory.

I now know that whenever i am feeling down or overwhelmed by the weight of the world, i can always listen to the sound of my heart beating, a reminder that as long as i am still breathing, my story is not over, i must get up and push.

Yesterday i was clever so i wanted to change the world. Today i am wise so i am changing myself. Rumi

As i enter into the new year, if my experiences this year didn’t awaken something in me and if i didn’t learn something from my pain, then 2017 is merely going to be a change of calendar. I am not making any new year’s resolutions just to  appear organised and focused. I am not going to overwhelm myself with philosophical sayings, say any spiritual verses to seem holy, or use any sophisticated software to show i am  techsavvy.  Instead, in 2017 i am committing to pushing myself a lil harder in everything i do ; to loving and smiling a little more and to  cutting ties  with the three  thieves of joy which are worrying, comparing and complaining.

In a few hours we start a new year, just remember  nobody plays this life with marked cards, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. The difference lies in your attitude..

Namaste !

Why i am reconsidering egg banking

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Transitioning in isolation is the hardest thing. Sometimes you just want someone who has walked the same road to remind you that you are not alone.

Its been two years since i started with the gender clinic process and one thing for sure the waiting has been emotionally draining .

So after waiting for 8 months for the fertility clinic to save my eggs, i finally received the date for my appointment. It was my first visit and i got really helpful information to help me decide on when to start with the procedure. The friendly midwife even took me on a are tour of the clinic and showed me the equipment used as well as the procedures step by step.  It  just an information meeting, but she told me that if  felt ready, i could begin the processes that same day.But then there was one problem ..my body and mind weren’t ready.

Up until two months ago, the idea of freezing eggs was a top priority  and an ideal thing to do considering many factors right now..

But, the thought made me think about a lot of things that i had not prepared myself for. Like injecting myself with female hormones,  pap smear, then the procedures that would follow to collect the eggs.

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I guess thats what made me feel uncomfortable, looking at the equipment and hearing about the procedure reminded me how much i was not prepared for this invasive process. I left the hospital feeling really vulnerable, confused, ashamed, angry and at the same time sorry for myself. I was just not in a good space mentally and physically.

Its been three months and i haven’t gone back to the hospital.  I still don’t feel ready. I have tried researching online to get motivation, reading about transgender guys who have had kids and i am just admiring them from a distance. Time is ticking and the clinic is waiting, but i just cant give in to pressure right now considering how long i have had to wait for everything.

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I am being kind to myself and taking it easy, actually for now i have parked the idea of the fertility clinic at the back of my mind. I know one way or another i will have to deal with it, secretly i’ve started wishing for that day not come anytime soon.  On the other hand i don’t want to regret not having tried when i had the opportunity to.
Sometimes you cant always leave everything to time, because life is real and it calls for real decisions.

Found myself

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As 2016 is almost coming to an end. i cannot help but just sigh..

A lot has happened this year, i could write a whole book about the bad, the ugly the unexpected but i choose to focus on the brighter side.

I’ve always battled with applauding myself , but if 2016 is anything to go by i must admit this has been one hectic year and it has made me realise an inner strength that i didn’t know existed.

Beginning of the year i set out to  accomplish some goals i am glad i did that i set the bar too hard and i surprised myself, it wasnt easy but i pulled through. ‘If i can survive this year i can survive anything’  was  my mantra. Surely i am alive  and still breathing something to be grateful for, but lesson learnt, i will not survive everything, for every win there is a lose somewhere somehow.

I  found myself losing interest in somethings  yet at the same time  i also found passion in others.  I must admit most of the times  my emotions were  like a see saw, at some point  i thought  i was losing myself;  the transition process, sacrifices, and hard decisions, all made it seem so hard to keep my head up.

As the adage goes  sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself. This roller coaster ride, taught me lessons  about  myself. In all the hustle and bustle of life, i almost  forgot to look up, to be thankful to God and to appreciate the people who make me,  like my wife and family.

Off course  life has its own way of pushing us out of our comfort zones, this change may be  unsettling and scary yet most of the  times it’s  for the best. The most important thing is realising that there is nothing to fear but fear itself..

Yesterday…

I struggle a lot  just picking an apple i want from  the supermarket rack, sometimes making decisions can be challenging…

This week i made a very tough decision after waiting almost 2 years for my top surgery, i had to ask for the hospital to postpone it. Reasons..No i didn’t chicken out and neither  am i  having second thoughts.

I had to request for another date because  my final year exams  were during  the exact same week of the surgery. I will probably have to wait another six months who knows , but as i seat here my heart is in the right place, because i know i made the right choice.

 

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