Am looking at the map trying to figure out where i am, at this very moment, the names are confusing and i cant seem to really figure out where i am, i have been travelling for 10 hours now and all i know is i am 689 miles to my destination, Zurich.
A wise person once said after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.. I am thinking about how some journeys can easily be calculated and almost go according to plan, yet some are just not as predictable.
My screen shows that we are at an altitude of 11582m above sea level; the Temp is 55 oc and the time left before touch down is 1:08 minutes.
Reflecting on journeys, it is patently clear that my transition journey hasn’t been so predictable. Planning and timing feelings, thoughts, is just not possible. I am discovering that in as much as i am an individual i am not an island. This is my journey, yet there are many factors influencing and impacting on the decisions i make.
Transitioning is not a linear process ; it has many corners, mountains, blind spots and thorns. What i am learning however is that as i proceed some things become clearer. I have never spoken with the self so much as i have done for past 2 years. I may seem self-absorbed, because sometimes I actually get lost in myself, consumed by so many thoughts.
Unlike this trip to Zurich, my journey does not have exact timing or miles to final destination; actually i don’t think i am quite sure of the final destination as yet. All i know is I am crossing boundaries; sometimes-swimming oceans and other times, jumping hurdles. I am not trying to be a Hero, i am just creating myself, and so I can be at peace with ME and subsequently with YOU….
I continue to get a barrage of questions regarding my medical transition. Folks are asking me if i am on hormones or considering starting hormonal therapy before or after my top surgery. Others are keen to know when i will get bottom surgery, or if i have already done it. Some want to know if I’ am considering having children and whether i will carry the child and how we plan on doing this process..
So many seemingly relevant questions right..?
Maybe i am expected to have all the answers concerning my journey. To be honest i don’t have answers to most if not all these questions. If the past 2 years are anything to go by, i have learnt that you only notice you have crossed a line only when you are on the other side…
Maybe there are some who already have or know their final destination regarding their transition. This is my personal experience, i do not speak for many other trans*people who may not relate with what i am talking about.
I could be confused or just plain confusing, but as far as my transition is concerned, right now i do not feel like i know the timing and final destination, where i will safely say i am landing..
All i know is i am ready for take off, going up the steep hill, not yet at the peak and certainly not yet ready for landing..