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Transitioning in isolation is the hardest thing. Sometimes you just want someone who has walked the same road to remind you that you are not alone.

Its been two years since i started with the gender clinic process and one thing for sure the waiting has been emotionally draining .

So after waiting for 8 months for the fertility clinic to save my eggs, i finally received the date for my appointment. It was my first visit and i got really helpful information to help me decide on when to start with the procedure. The friendly midwife even took me on a are tour of the clinic and showed me the equipment used as well as the procedures step by step.  It  just an information meeting, but she told me that if  felt ready, i could begin the processes that same day.But then there was one problem ..my body and mind weren’t ready.

Up until two months ago, the idea of freezing eggs was a top priority  and an ideal thing to do considering many factors right now..

But, the thought made me think about a lot of things that i had not prepared myself for. Like injecting myself with female hormones,  pap smear, then the procedures that would follow to collect the eggs.

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I guess thats what made me feel uncomfortable, looking at the equipment and hearing about the procedure reminded me how much i was not prepared for this invasive process. I left the hospital feeling really vulnerable, confused, ashamed, angry and at the same time sorry for myself. I was just not in a good space mentally and physically.

Its been three months and i haven’t gone back to the hospital.  I still don’t feel ready. I have tried researching online to get motivation, reading about transgender guys who have had kids and i am just admiring them from a distance. Time is ticking and the clinic is waiting, but i just cant give in to pressure right now considering how long i have had to wait for everything.

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I am being kind to myself and taking it easy, actually for now i have parked the idea of the fertility clinic at the back of my mind. I know one way or another i will have to deal with it, secretly i’ve started wishing for that day not come anytime soon.  On the other hand i don’t want to regret not having tried when i had the opportunity to.
Sometimes you cant always leave everything to time, because life is real and it calls for real decisions.